My dirty little secret

Evening bloggers. It’s been a few days, I apologize. I’m gonna let you in on another one of my dirty little secrets. I’m not quite all there. Yes, you read that correctly. I just said I’m a little crazy. No, I don’t hear voices or go all mommy dearest on my kids. I’m pretty sure however this shouldn’t be news to anyone. I mean, honestly, who could be totally sane with as many jobs as I have, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 frogs and a husband?
Here is something you may not know though. I have suffered from small bouts of depression and panic attacks for years. They sneak up on me at the most inopportune times and catch me by surprise. Sometimes these episodes can last a few hours, a few days and at my very worst, almost a entire year. Since having kids 8 yrs ago, I have been much better. Only slipping into a episode occasionally. I can go months with nothing at all. This week I suffered a tiny relapse. I think it mainly has to do with the fact that my current workout schedule is ending and I’m not sure what to do next. I know what I want to do, but thats totally different from what I can do. I mentioned before that I have lost 22 lbs doing ChaLean Extreme. My goal now is to afford a new program called TurboFire, so that I can loose another 20-25 pounds. Cardio is my love. This new program is extremely intense and my body craves the outlet. My mind craves it just as much. While I loved doing ChaLean Extreme, I want new cardio. I’m bored with what I’ve been using for 4 yrs. I will continue on with my weights added in once I can afford this program.

I truly believe that if I hadn’t been working out, this latest bout of depression would have been so much worse. I’m a much more positive person overall when I’m working out and healthy. I am my own worst enemy. There are days I don’t workout, and I beat myself up. There are days I don’t eat so well, and I beat myself up. I have gotten better about this over the past 4 months, but there are times I still slip up. I’m human. This is even more true when Im having a “episode”. I know to reach my ultimate goal I’ve got to get even better though. My internal voice and self image need to shape up or ship out. Funny how saying and doing are so different.

Most people don’t even know I have these episodes at all. I’m very selective on who I let into this craziness I call my mind. I don’t confide in just anyone. Because of this, I don’t have a ton of “true” friends. So people may read this and think that I really am crazy because they have never noticed anything. I’m good at playing the role. I want to publically thank those that know and listen to me though. You know who you are. With you by my side, I know I can do anything. As soon as I can get it together, I will get my new program and rock it out! I want this weight GONE. My spirit isn’t broken. My mind will just have to catch up! I’ve made it this far…there is no turning back now…..


  1. I’m pretty sure you’re totally awesome 😀 And Turbo Fire will be yours soon, I just know it!! Oh, one more thing… if you weren’t at least mildly insane, I wouldn’t be your friend lol.

  2. Nik, as you might have noticed, I live with depression as a life long diagnosis. I’m no longer ashamed. I don’t hide it, but I also don’t necessarily volunteer the information. It affects everything I do, I know now. I have been on medication for it for at least ten years, and probably needed it before then. Mental illness runs in my family, and sadly, I am better off than some of the people I love tremendously.

    You might not know how much admiration I have for you, and your determination to become healthier. I read your updates and think, wow, how awesome. I know in a perfect world we should have a strong enough inner voice to not need others to notice, but we’re human. So I wanted to tell you – good job! 27

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