The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick IIIAvailable: Now Amazon

Type: Fucked Up Err Paranormal Horror?

Publisher: Eraserhead

My Copy: Bought (LMAO, oh yes)

Reviewer: Nikki

It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy’s pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return… especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy’s legs.

Ever wonder what some authors are thinking when they sit down to write? Me too. None so much as when I heard tell of a book entitled “The Haunted Vagina”. Surely these people who spoke of it in hushed tones over their 8th glass of wine at a conference I attended were just telling tales. Upon arriving home from said conference I quickly forgot about their tall tales and went on my merry way reading good books. Then one gray Ohio evening it popped up in my Amazon “more items to consider” category. Honestly Amazon is taking some pretty mighty liberties with their suggestions these days since I don’t ever recall searching for haunted vagina books, but nonetheless it caught my eye, damn you Amazon, and I thought what the hell, it’s only 100 pages. Even if the price tag is a lofty $4.95, the author has to make his car payment err pay his bus pass somehow.

The first sentence pretty much sets the expectations for the book

“I’ve been scared to have sex with Stacey ever since I discovered her vagina was haunted”

I mean, what expectations can a reader have after reading that first sentence? Something strange is going to be coming out of this chicks vagina soon…that was my initial thought anyway…followed quickly by, usually it’s weird things going INTO the vagina, but ok. I guess there has to be some sort of problem in any relationship. This one is just undead beings coming out of your woman’s vagina. I don’t like it when my husband leaves his clothes on the floor. See? Same thing. The author sets Stacey up as this incredibly quirky individual who likes this Steve guy for reasons unknown because he’s painted as not interesting, funny or attractive. OOOOOOK.

Stacey informs Steve that her vagina is indeed haunted and perhaps even a gateway to another world. At this point any sane man err ANY MAN would have been out the door faster than Seattle Slew at the Triple Crown, but instead Steve takes it in stride and decides just to give her a bit of oral instead of a full pounding. Because it’s not okay to stick your penis in there, but having your face down there is totes cool. In the process of this Stacey is giving him a blow job. And then this happens:

“I explode into her mouth as a hand explodes out of the vagina”

This undead skeleton person thingie comes slithering out of Stacey’s vajayjay. A full grown person people! For the sake of the story Stacey is horrified, for a hot second, then decides to ask Steve to crawl up inside her to see what is up there. You know, other than ovaries obviously. Steve agrees (seriously WT-ACTUAL-F) but declares:

“If I get claustrophobic, I’m coming back out”

Good to know Steve that you’re worried about the  roominess of your girlfriends vagina but not the fact THAT A SKELETON CAME OUT OF IT. Stacey demonstrates how stretchy her lower lips are like a carnival side show /freak show she is…you know to put his mind to ease.  Stacey scalps him (duh aerodynamics), strips him and lubes him up, then sends him on his merry way up her birth canal.

Once slithering up her nether regions he discovers that her vagina is indeed a gateway of some sort. He doesn’t stay long and once outside Stacey’s body they have some coffee. Like civilized human fucking beings should damn it. Stacey insists he go back into her lady garden to “chart the world for her”….boy, Lewis and Clark really lucked out not being in this book huh? She heads to the store to buy them out of every jar of lube, oil and vaseline to make his descent a bit easier. I bet that was one curious Walmart cashier. Luckily for Steve, Stacey says he doesn’t have to take a sleeping bag…. Do Coleman sleeping bags protect against vaginal juice? And at what point is Stacey going to get the worst case of vaginal itch/yeast infection that the medical world has ever seen? Or hemorrhoids? I mean women have 8 lb babies and get a nasty case those…..

Needless to say that while spelunking in her vagina he meets a weird naked girl (Stacey’s “imaginary” childhood playmate – because it’s totally normal if your 6 year old girl is talking to her vagina) who kinda traps him into staying longer than he should. She’s naked (no good malls up in the vagina neighborhood I suppose), has horns growing out of her head and acts like a bratty 9 year old girl, but whatever, Steve thinks she’s kinda hot. Yes. He thinks the girl that has stunted emotional development is kinda hot. Fig (really, what the fuck else would her name be) traps Steve in a hole to keep him there to be her playmate. In the natural order of things that is this book, Steve’s body opens up and his skeleton crawls out and starts behaving like a dog would. Leaving Steve as a kinda gumbi-ish person who is quickly evolving to look like Fig…..

Now on Stacey’s behalf, I’m not real clear how long Steve has been stuck in her vagina world at this point but all hope of him leaving disappears when:

“A geyser erupts out of the side of the cliff, a burst of white fluid. Then another burst of white fluid. Then another. She is! Stacey’s…..having sex!”

Yup. A semen storm is upon them. Stacey, that ho, is cheating on our Steve! Actually it becomes a picturesque pond in this vagina world. Now who wouldn’t want to go for a dip in some semen on a hot summer day? In the process, Stacey gets knocked up and oopsie, now the vagina world is inside the baby she’s carrying. Poor Steve doesn’t know if he’d be able to come out of a baby…*shudder* I can’t even….ugggg. But it’s all good everyone, don’t worry about Steve, because Fig has him under some kind of spell and he kinda likes her. Also he kinda hates her, but they have sex anyway. Of course.

“Inside, it’s like hot jelly or maybe rubber cement. She writhes under me with a crooked smile, gripping my hips and pulsing against me. We kiss each other with our tiny mouths, pressing against each other”s smooth plastic skin. My rubbery penis pumps…….”

Oh, I’ll stop there. Because geez I’m just so hot for this guys rubbery penis. If I had a nickel for every time I told a guy his penis just wasn’t rubbery enough for me…..

Let’s talk about the writing shall we? It’s awful. It’s staccato. It. Is. Horrific. Mellick is unable to paint the scenes he wants to portray so instead he simply tells the readers everything that is going on. It took me far longer to get through 100 pages of this than I’d like to admit. Most likely due to the fact that I had to stop reading every so often, ask myself if it was worth it to continue, contemplate the meaning of life, think about blowing up my kindle, cursing the $5 I spent and then finally trudging on to find out just what the actual fuck was happening in Stacey’s vagina. To save you from having to do this yourself, because that’s the kind of selfless person I am, I’m here to tell you that the answer is: Horrible things. Horrible things are happening in this womans vagina.

I’m not rating this. Go on, go check out the authors other books of fine literary awesomeness…The Baby Jesus Butt Plug, Zombies and Shit, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz  or my favorite title, Razor Wire Pubic Hair. I’ll give him one thing, he’s got the market cornered on the haunted vagina books because I put that shit in Google and (after it was done asking if I was indeed actually looking for Haunted Vaginas and not Haunted Virginia) nothing came back but this book and something about K$sha exorcising her vagina. Unsurprising, but there you go.

I can’t even…I’m done.

5 Comments

  1. haha I just saw this book reviewed on another blog and they had pretty much the same reaction. Both of the reviews are 100 times better than the actual book, I’m sure of that. It’s just too weird to even fathom! lol

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