Weightloss: My Personal Demons

Lately this blog has been mainly for book reviews and writing related posts. Today I want to talk about something different. Something a bit more personal. Earlier this year I went on a weight loss quest. My goal was to conquer my struggle with weight loss. After working out nearly everyday and really changing my eating habits, I managed to lose about 25 lbs. My workout routine consisted of a three-month weight lifting schedule integrated with a high aerobic workout as well. My trainer was @ChaleneJohnson. I was doing TurboJam and ChaLean Extreme, at home, in my living room. Chalene, though I have never met her, changed my life immensely. She will never know the confidence she inspired in me or the many ways she changed my self-image. When I first started doing the workouts I was crying by the end of them. Crying from pain, tiredness but most of all crying because I hated myself. I hated what I was, what I had become and what the future held for me. Her voice, her determination for me, pulled me back up. But more importantly, I pulled myself back up through her. She encouraged me not only in the DVD’s  but on Twitter and Facebook alike. She spoke to the masses but took the time to speak directly to me as well, on occasion. That spoke volumes to me on her character. I was on the high road to success. I finally looked in the mirror and saw something other then my flaws.

Things went well for almost four months. Then something happened. I can’t pinpoint what exactly. Something snapped and with it my drive to excel broke. I was thrown back down into those pits. Try as I might I couldn’t fight my way back. The workouts I had weren’t helping me anymore (my body was used to the program and I was bored) and without money for anything new I was lost. For two months I have sat around. Everyday getting harder to look into the mirror. I didn’t want to see that girl looking back at me. I was ashamed. I let everyone down by giving up on myself. Or at least that’s how it felt. When the depression sets into me it’s difficult for me to get out again. My outward appearance is the same, but my internal dialogue is awful and ugly. If I have said it once I have said it a million times…I hide things well. I should, I have dealt with it, mainly in silence since I was 15 yrs old.

Yesterday I got an unexpected surprise. My mom ordered me Chalene’s newest workout called TurboFire, for Christmas. BUT I get it when it gets here! You can’t understand my excitement to be getting this. I couldn’t afford it when it came out in July, and then my hubby lost his job and things really went downhill. Making this bout with depression worse.

When I found out about this impending present I came home and decided today was the day. I needed to work out. I had to figure out where I was at physically because if I couldn’t handle TurboJam anymore, if I had screwed up so much that I was back at square one, there was no way I would be able to do TurboFire when it showed up. I popped in my Punch, Kick and Jam DVD which is the hardest one I have at 50 min in length. It certainly wasn’t as easy as it was two months ago, but I got through the entire thing and walked (okay, crawled) away feeling somewhat proud that I could still do it. I plan on working out everyday until TurboFire gets here. Because these DVD’s are hardcore. No joke.

Over the last two months I have gained back 1.5lbs. Which is much lower than what I felt like I gained back every time I glanced into a mirror. With TurboFire and the continued support from a woman I will never have the pleasure of meeting, I pledge to lose anther 20 lbs at least.

Yeah my legs hurt today and I feel pretty sore. But I am working on being happy…and that is what it’s all about. Now to make that feeling stick around…wish me luck!



  1. Aww Niki I totally know where you are at. You can do it, you can feel good about yourself. I posted something similar to this on my blog and I would love for you to read it. http://pamperedpatty.blogspot.com/2010/09/promise.html

    I am on a weight loss journey too. I know there will be ups and downs but I will get there and so will you. Looking forward to your success and a better feeling you! There are so many women who can inspire us and perhaps never know the hand they have in getting us off our buts. Cheers to those women and cheers to us for taking the steps to get where we need to be!

  2. I know how you feel about weight loss. I have all the extra weight on me from having kids and I need to get more active. I have to do this now or it’ll never get off. So I applaud your efforts in wanting to get this done! I hope you reach your goal.

  3. WOW!!! I feel the exact same way sometimes, especially looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell happened?! How did I get this way? I am so excited for you to be getting TurboFire! Funny because I just started it again myself yesterday! I had work issues and a little sciatica to deal with when I first tried a couple of weeks ago but now I am back to it and ready to get my body back. I am so with you and always here for you if you need me for motivation or support!!! Great going!!! (Lara Olmos)

  4. Thanks for the support everyone. Its certainly a rough road but one I feel like I should be on. I’m tired of feeling like this. Not only do I lose weight when I workout but it seems to stabilize my depression issues somewhat. Which is a win win for me. I am going to need all the support I can get.

  5. Good for you, Nikki. Weight & self image are demons too many people face…im’ glad you’re able to work through them again at the moment. as far as the part about depression goes, I kind of know what you mean, at least to the extent that it’s like quicksand that never quite lets go of you. Please remember to be good to yourself too, tho, k?
    And, for what it’s worth – even if you don’t lose those 20 pounds? What your’e doing now, the way you’re taking care of yourself? It’s awesome, and it matters. Be proud of you.

  6. Laurie, thank you for the encouraging words! I try to be good to myself. I indulge in the occasional drink, buy books and I have to keep something sweet in the house at all times. I surround myself with friends who “get me” and don’t judge me or get upset when I just don’t want to go anywhere. I consider myself blessed to have such good friends.

    I really hope this matters…I really hope that when I look in the mirror a few months from now I see the me I know is lurking around inside somewhere.

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