A Conversation With Grandma

In light of all the hype surrounding the 50 Shades Of Grey book, I thought I’d bring you this little diddy of a convo I had the other day with my grandma. Let me fill you in on the situation first. Grandma is in her 80’s and lives in the apt complex I manage. I frequently stop over in the morning for a few minutes before work to visit and make sure all is ok. I hear the same stories to the point where I could recite them in my sleep. She’s constantly forgetting things and from that, this conversation was born:

Grandma: I want to read that book I keep hearing about on tv.

Me: *racking my mind for infomercial books I may have seen. Cooking, cleaning, home remedies….* What book?

Grandma: 50 something….

Me: *chokes on coffee* No, you don’t want to read that Grandma, I promise.

Grandma: Why not? I like good books (Grandma hasn’t read a book in YEARS people..her eyes ain’t what they used to be)

Me: It’s just not your kind of book. There’s lot of sex and the author likes the f-word

Grandma: I’ve heard the word before you know. I know what it means.

Me: Yeah? Have you heard of BDSM?

Grandma: huh?

Me: Bondage & Discipline, Sadism and Masochism

Grandma: I don’t know what those words mean so no…

Me: People who get off on getting spanked, cuffed, flogged…. *At this point I’m speaking directly into my coffee cup while looking anywhere other then my 80 something year old grandma. Did I mention my mom was there too, sitting across the table from my grandma clearly enjoying my torment? Well she was…yay me!*

Grandma: *blank stare* What?

Me: You know the movie Twilight?

Grandma: That vampire thing?

Me: Yes that vampire thing, well it’s those characters just instead of the guy being a vampire he is…a kinky sex fiend

Me: You won’t like it grandma, trust me.

Grandma: So whats the weather supposed to be like today? ………

At which point I took my leave and got the hell up out of that conversation. Here’s the thing though. The book won’t go away. It’s hanging around on tv like a bad case of herpes. You know what this means for me? My grandma will forget the conversation ever happened. She’ll see the damn thing on yet ANOTHER tv spot and then I will get to have the convo on people who liked their asses smacked with my grandmother again. So thank you, thank you 50 Shades Of Grey for the conversations you evoke from my grandmother.


    1. It’s not like I haven’t read it…lol. I just wish some ppl, mainly my 80 something yr old grandma who doesnt have anyone else to ask when she has questions, to read it…Just more hassle for me you see. There’s nothing more sobering then trying to explain graphic sex acts to your grandma….

    1. No! I do not need her calling me at home asking me to define things. I’d scar my children even worse then I already have! “Leave mommy alone for a minute, grandma needs to know what a flogging bench is!”

  1. AHAHAHAHA! This post was hilarious and your grandma is awesome. This is my favorite part: It’s hanging around on tv like a bad case of herpes. So true, so true.

    1. Ahhh yes. I think it some point older people all become overly religious and think the world is ending too. I know my grandma does. I need to take notes in those convos too…they are quite funny as well. Perhaps the world is ending b/c we are all sexually depraved….

  2. I just bought the large print version and sent it to grandma. Don’t worry, if she cannot see it to read it, I send a recording of me reading it to her.

    1. Thanks for helping out my g-ma 🙂 I will be looking for that package in the mail. Probably a few other ppl that would want to listen to a you read about sex as well.

      I supported the author and bought all 3 finished copies. However, due to my review pile plotting my death, I’m only on book 2.

  3. As much as I feel for your situation, I couldn’t help but laugh at this. If I had to describe what the book was about to someone like that, my face would be beet red.
    I’m happy to say that apart from a small discussion about the book on the radio station I listen to, I’ve not be subjected to commercials or other stuff regarding the book. Of course, I don’t watch much TV. I’m usually reading.
    Maybe under other circumstances, I might be interested in reading the book, but the fact that it used to be a Twilight fan fiction kind of turns me off. Don’t get me wrong, I like Twilight, but I don’t really like reading fanfic. I’ll admit though, the hype around it does have me curious. LOL 😉
    For your sake, I hope you won’t have to explain the book to your grandma again. 🙂

  4. Omg Nikki, this post made my day. I literally laughed out loud. I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must have felt talking about sex and all that. And to top it off, your mom being there to witness in joy makes it even more funnier. But I truly understand what you mean about it being everywhere. My brother asked me if I read it and that he wanted to read it. I tried to discourage him by telling him it’s like 400 or so pages. I hope that worked. Then my boyfriend who doesn’t talk to me at all about books asked me if I read it because he wanted to buy it for my birthday. I was like whoa! No thank you. AND my 4th grade teacher asked me about it too!! I told her, that she shouldn’t read it and that talking with her about this book made me uncomfortable. She just laughed. I feel your pain Nikki!!

  5. I could only imagine what it must have been like to have THAT conversation with your grandmother. My goodness.
    For what it’s worth, I think you did a great job trying to discourage her without giving anything away. But, she was persistent, huh?
    Thank you for the laugh! 🙂

  6. LOL! Sorry, Nikki, but that did make me laugh–only because it isn’t me having the convo with MY grandmother 🙂

  7. My mother asked me just last week if I’ve read it, and I did that slow neck turn toward her since I was beside her out at a dinner for breakfast. I actually haven’t read it yet, so I told her truthfully no, why? Just curious she says, if you had it I might want to borrow it. So even if I do get it any time soon, NO WAY am I telling my MOM! Somethings I just don’t want to contemplate!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

, PHPlist